It's 3:30 in the morning. I have another case of insomnia......which isn't very good for me this week because I have 2 midterms this week, both of which I don't feel very prepared for. I was hoping to get some decent recent tonight before pulling some all nighters (I estimate only get about 2 days of rest or so). I've been trying to get sleep so badly. I've stared at my ceiling for about 30 minutes with no results. Smoke 2 cigarettes (I know a horrible habit that I'm trying to break in addition I've failed at keeping one of my new years' resolution), watched a few more episodes of Entourage and just surfed the internet. Still nothing. I'm contemplating on walking to the nearest store to buy some Coke to make some drinks.....something that will hopefully help me sleep for the time being.
Went back home this weekend, mainly to celebrate the birthday day of a very good friend of mine. I'm glad they enjoyed it. Went to the Cheesecake Factory at the Anaheim Gardenwalk and then roamed around Downtown Disney, where we managed to catch the firework show. It was a very enjoyable night. Sunday was just a regular lazy Sunday. Didn't really do much besides packing and checking to see if I was bringing back all my stuff. On the ride back, I was reminded on how much I dislike coming back home. The way my "dad" acts, how he doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter. How my mom has to deal with that shit. How in some ways I'm starting to become like that asshole. In a way college has become my bittersweet paradise. One I can forget about all the crap from home yet I'm reminded of the very person I swore never to become. Its times like these where I don't know how I can live with myself. How I'm not disgusted with myself when I look at myself in the mirror. And on top of all of that, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing right now....I am honestly I'm a fucking mess. I have no motivation right now. Its times like theses where I feel that no one really cares about me and in turn I stop caring about myself because whats the point? Why should I care about myself when no one else does (besides my mom)? This in turn is probably the reason why I'm spiraling down a destructive and self abusive path: drinking myself into oblivion and smoking those death sticks. I'm going to admit that I do have a drinking problem. I use it as a way to numb the way I feel. A way to avoid the misery that is my life. I'm not sure if I've hit rock bottom yet, but I'm a pathetic fuck with no backbone or balls......
Went back home this weekend, mainly to celebrate the birthday day of a very good friend of mine. I'm glad they enjoyed it. Went to the Cheesecake Factory at the Anaheim Gardenwalk and then roamed around Downtown Disney, where we managed to catch the firework show. It was a very enjoyable night. Sunday was just a regular lazy Sunday. Didn't really do much besides packing and checking to see if I was bringing back all my stuff. On the ride back, I was reminded on how much I dislike coming back home. The way my "dad" acts, how he doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter. How my mom has to deal with that shit. How in some ways I'm starting to become like that asshole. In a way college has become my bittersweet paradise. One I can forget about all the crap from home yet I'm reminded of the very person I swore never to become. Its times like these where I don't know how I can live with myself. How I'm not disgusted with myself when I look at myself in the mirror. And on top of all of that, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing right now....I am honestly I'm a fucking mess. I have no motivation right now. Its times like theses where I feel that no one really cares about me and in turn I stop caring about myself because whats the point? Why should I care about myself when no one else does (besides my mom)? This in turn is probably the reason why I'm spiraling down a destructive and self abusive path: drinking myself into oblivion and smoking those death sticks. I'm going to admit that I do have a drinking problem. I use it as a way to numb the way I feel. A way to avoid the misery that is my life. I'm not sure if I've hit rock bottom yet, but I'm a pathetic fuck with no backbone or balls......
No comments:
Post a Comment