summer update

Summer school's ended a few weeks ago. enjoying 3 weeks of freedom before getting back to the grind. summer school did not end up how i planned. i ended up with a d- in one of my classes.....just another fucking expensive nap for me i guess...

to be honest, i don't what the fuck i want anymore....i would like to have "A" but "A" is unobtainanium. i'm just tired of everything.....tired of all this bullshit right now...

Update

School sucks. Work sucks. Pretty much life sucks. Still stuck in the same predicament and situation for the last few months. I'm feeling directionless, no motivation what so ever. It feels I'm sinking back into the abyss at an even faster rate now....

Truth be told

this one week of summer already sucks. just gimme some mild sevens and gin & tonics and call it a day. that a cruise to GMR/Rim of the World would nice as well.

Technically speaking

I'm done with school. Summer's here and I should be kicking back and relax. Don't get me wrong, I am but it's just not exactly fun. I barely got done through finals and about to hit the daily grind again in about a week. Not exactly fun, but hey pretty much every one is taking summer school as well. Currently not feeling "there,"essentially where I feel as if I'm in autopilot mode. Not to mention I have more issues to worry about. Job hunting as resulted in 100% failure, financial aid didn't cover housing costs so I have to be frugal as fuck right now yet I'm not. Missed my business workshop to apply the program so I have to apply next quarter... Hopefully my grades will be better by then.

If you only knew....

Honestly, this is how I've been feeling lately. It's starting to hit me now, even though its been quite sometime now. It's pretty foolish of me to be posting this but either way I'm still going to feel the same.

Trey Songz - Missin You

Wongfu MV - What If by Babyface

Philip Wang - No Defense

For a second

Things were going fairly well, but things are just falling apart. It's taking a toll on me. School's not going so well, money issues are starting to pile up, and just a bunch of other shit as well. I know that life is always unexpected but not to this degree. Its as if I was destined to be as miserable as possible. Never in my life have I felt this miserable about everything; I honestly hate everything thats going on for me right now.

Right now I feel pretty sick. I don't know exactly why. Maybe its because of all the caffeine I've had this week. Or maybe its because it's starting to hit me....I know it shouldn't bother me this much. She's probably moved on. I need to move on as well. I really don't think I'm over this. Nothing feels the same. Everything I do seems to be forced in some way. Forced smiles, forced conversations, forced everything... I would like to tell her how much I miss her. How much I think about her. How much I'm sorry for everything... But to be honest, I think it's high improbable that she would want to here all of that. Most likely it'll just piss her off I think. That and I really don't think she wants to talk to me right now... probably for a very long time. Well maybe sleeping it off will be good for me...

At this very moment

I feel like shit. Physically and mentally. I just want of this shit just to end right now...

Update

So its been a while since I've wrote on here. I just got bogged down with alot of shit and just got lazy about updating it....I did horribly last quarter....although to some its not horrible, its just another round of discontent for me...Trying to get my grades up so I can get into the fucking business program but now I highly doubt it. Started to look back since the beginning of the year, I guess I do have a drinking problem. Every kickback (which usually turns into a party), I get unbelievably drunk and have no recollection of at least half of the previous night. And on top of that, my smoking had turned into full blown addiction.....but its starting decline though...somewhat. Haven't been able to go quit cold turkey.....My drinking habit has gone pretty bad....I may have hit rock bottom..but I highly doubt it....close friends stepped in and had a mini-intervention for me, confiscated my "mini-bar," and limit my intake whenever I am allowed to drink....their good people

school wise, i feel its the same shit over and over. i feel that i have no direction. i still procrastinate, even though i say that i wouldn't let it creep up and take over, yet it still does. i sometimes wonder if i was even cut out for college in first place...maybe i should just drop out and be a jarhead or grunt or something. at least then i'd know what the fuck i'm doing half the time....

Ugh..well this is it for now.

A State of Chaos.....

It's 3:30 in the morning. I have another case of insomnia......which isn't very good for me this week because I have 2 midterms this week, both of which I don't feel very prepared for. I was hoping to get some decent recent tonight before pulling some all nighters (I estimate only get about 2 days of rest or so). I've been trying to get sleep so badly. I've stared at my ceiling for about 30 minutes with no results. Smoke 2 cigarettes (I know a horrible habit that I'm trying to break in addition I've failed at keeping one of my new years' resolution), watched a few more episodes of Entourage and just surfed the internet. Still nothing. I'm contemplating on walking to the nearest store to buy some Coke to make some drinks.....something that will hopefully help me sleep for the time being.

Went back home this weekend, mainly to celebrate the birthday day of a very good friend of mine. I'm glad they enjoyed it. Went to the Cheesecake Factory at the Anaheim Gardenwalk and then roamed around Downtown Disney, where we managed to catch the firework show. It was a very enjoyable night. Sunday was just a regular lazy Sunday. Didn't really do much besides packing and checking to see if I was bringing back all my stuff. On the ride back, I was reminded on how much I dislike coming back home. The way my "dad" acts, how he doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter. How my mom has to deal with that shit. How in some ways I'm starting to become like that asshole. In a way college has become my bittersweet paradise. One I can forget about all the crap from home yet I'm reminded of the very person I swore never to become. Its times like these where I don't know how I can live with myself. How I'm not disgusted with myself when I look at myself in the mirror. And on top of all of that, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing right now....I am honestly I'm a fucking mess. I have no motivation right now. Its times like theses where I feel that no one really cares about me and in turn I stop caring about myself because whats the point? Why should I care about myself when no one else does (besides my mom)? This in turn is probably the reason why I'm spiraling down a destructive and self abusive path: drinking myself into oblivion and smoking those death sticks. I'm going to admit that I do have a drinking problem. I use it as a way to numb the way I feel. A way to avoid the misery that is my life. I'm not sure if I've hit rock bottom yet, but I'm a pathetic fuck with no backbone or balls......

It's all relative

This quarter has gone by pretty fast. Its the end of week 7 with finals in just 3 weeks. I don't even remember doing that much this whole time.......maybe its because I've been drinking so much.....Last Friday, I pretty much made a complete ass out of myself. After the bonfire, my friends threw a small kickback that grew to a a medium sized party. Got drunk off my ass and just started doing things that we were embarrassing when I heard about it. I don't even remember doing half the shit I was doing. I don't even know why I was drinking so much though. I just remember waking up on the floor of my friend's room. Then I heard all the stories, pictures and videos from which I've won the title "Frank the tank" that night. God that was such a horrible night for me. Probably my all time low so far. I spent most of the day hung over until Heat came, which was pretty fun. Saw Far East Movement perform; freaking amazing. Saw them again as they were going to their merchandise booth. Shook their hands, got a picture, and got the Party Animal Mix CD. Then went to the common which was pretty a mini edc, where atrak was playing. Pretty fun; bounced out around 11:30ish. My had an after party which lasted till 7 apparently. Didn't have a single drop there; sober the whole time. Sunday was slightly depressing. Went to eat at Boba Cafe with a friend and some others from the party. Did nothing the rest of day until for dinner, where a bunch of us single (and possibly lonely) guys went to Islands to go eat. It was nice having a guy's night out. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably just be drinking alone in my room to the point where I would pass out probably....And most of this week has just been doing nothing except for just chilling with the boys and just doing stuff....

Easier than it looks

Why is it the easiest thing I want to say turns out to be even more complex and awkward when I start writing/typing it....maybe I'm just over analyzing things...but I just don't want to say anything misleading or awkwardly phrased....

It's up there

This could be a really shitty week for me.

Saturday: Worst eating experience at Banana Bay ever. Vivid and surreal dreams, shivering all night while being cold and hot at the same time and possible developed a cold that night as well? Periodically through the night woke up to pee and spit out phlegm (which was a dark brown-yellow lugey with traces of blood in it). I thought I was literally going to be in shock and maybe die that night. Did not get any good sleep at all.

Sunday: Still felt like crap because of Banana Bay. Neck was tender and sore as hell because I kept sleeping in weird positions due to the vivid/surreal dreams. Tried doing homework but couldn't focus because of the headaches from yesterday. Some of the other people that ate their and myself were feeling pretty out of it that day. Couldn't really focus on doing homework, so I ended up getting half credit on it. Then insomnia set it for that night.
Monday: I didn't go to sleep until 3:30-ish am. Over slept as was late to dance, where we had to perform with our partners. I just grabbed my keys and longboarded as fast as I could to campus. Luckily, they had just gotten done with taking roll. Although I felt much better than Sunday, I was still somewhat out of it.

This morning while doing my usually routine, there was blood in my stool..as well on the toilet paper. And the tank water was somewhat pink....This is a very bad sign. No more drinking for a very long time for me....not to mention that I possibly have a cold (congested nose, chest, coughing, and sore throat) or flu like symptoms? That and I have 2 midterms to study for this week. I need to start taking better care of myself.

Oh joy...

Insomnia

I haven't been able to go to sleep yet. I laid in bed for about an hour and haven't drifted off. Been up an hour so far trying to go back to sleep. Listened to soft music and drank some warm milk. Neck hurts like hell because of last night's trippy ass sleep experience, which might have to do with what I ate at Banana Bay, cause some of had experienced the same thing. Probably not going to order that or not eat there for a long time.

Surreal

I just possibly had the worse sleeping experience to date. I swear that I was going to die. Had the chills, sweats, curled into a ball. I experience that trippy ass dream from only getting about 5 hours of sleep the previous day OR my food was undercooked at Banana Bay OR possible both. Went to bed with a headache and I still have a headache. & I still need do my homework. I hope I'm not getting sick :C

On Rainy Days

Its hard to tell whats coming down my face: raindrops or tears.

I'm scared of being alone, I honestly am. Its my biggest fear. With everything that's been happening lately, the fearing is just inches away from being real. I'm trying my hardest to not think like that, but I'm reminded of it everyday.....

Constants are:

Disappointment and loneliness..........

my dysfunctional family just got even worse...

Most likely

I will end up watching the following on my laptop: Youth In Revolt, Sherlock Holmes, The Fourth Kind, and probably some others....apparently I can't find anyone to watch it with..at least within a feasible radius.

Fast forward

Wow the last couple of days were just coming at me pretty fast. Thursday- I don't really remember much. Just remember that Hohyung made some pad see ew that was pretty good and we had alot to drink after, to the point were I got drunk. Friday- Didn't really do much, hanged out with Akhil and Emily! Got dinner and chilled at Akhil's place for a while. It was nice hanging out with them. Saturday- Hiked up to the C with Akhil, Emily and her friend and friend's friends. Extremely chill and fun. Got back when the sun was setting. Chowed down on some burgers, chilled at the pool and jacuzzi. After that, we played some drinking games at their place. Met some cool people. Awesome time besides the part where I just got emotional. Sunday- I knocked out at their place and slept there for the night. Went to Coco's for brunch and just watched tv all day with them.

This weekend was pretty fun....as fun as when I went out to get Kbbq with my old friends. I miss that being that fun and happy

Shots...

haven't filled this emptiness inside of me. My face, my jaw, my teeth, and my limbs go numb yet the pain is still there...If anything, it just brings up the emptiness even more. I don't even like drinking that much. I just do it, because it beats doing nothing most of the time..

Most likely

I'm just blind and deaf to this situation. Not noticing the signs that you give off. I guess its fine for you, but I'm just stuck in the past.....a fool just stuck in the past..

Hmmm

Coke and crown royal is good. Its addicting.....

One drink, two drink...

With all these drinks, I feel numb....yet I still feel depressed in some way

An old poem

Found this journal I had in high school where I would write down how I was feeling. I think I'm back to feeling the same now...

Falling from the sky

not realizing what's happening

hitting the pavement so hard

every one in body is shattered

I open my eyes

and I find to my surprise

that I'm still alive,

and I can move again

As I look around me

people continue on

minding their own business

paying no attention, whatsoever

And then I walk around

and only to realize

that I'm just a ghost

to this world

I walk into a room

with all my friends

but no one bothers to look

So I quietly take my leave

I find myself on the street

where my memories were

only to realize, that my best days

are behind me now.

Is it best for me me to

leave the world I used love

or to continue to live with

misery, pain, regret and loneliness?

Home I Guess

Back at my apartment now. It's quite and lonely. No else is here but me. I dislike this. I feel even lonelier.

Bittersweet

Going back to Riverside later today in the afternoon. To be honest, I'm glad school's starting again. Seeing friends, getting away from home and not being alone & bored (most of the time).

This week is going to be lonely. One of my roommates isn't coming back to school this year. My other roommate isn't coming until Thursday. So that means 3 more days of loneliness; oh its just like winter break again....

Not exactly sure if I'm prepared for school again. Mentally that is. I fear that I'm going to burnout too quickly and possibly have another meltdown.....all among other things.

Often

I find myself asking "What the hell am I doing" quite frequently now. Right now for example, I'm extremely tired and sleepy yet I'm still awake, typing away on my blog. Just finished the same Le Mans documentary for the 100th time probably. Now I'm listening to Daft Punk. I could be sleeping right now yet I'm not. So what am I doing? I have no idea; just waiting. Waiting for an something improbable to happen....

Going back to the "What the hell am I doing?" I find myself questioning everything about myself. Who am I?...Who am I?

Honestly, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing right now.....

New Years Resolution

I've been thinking about the things on the list for quite some time during this break.

1. Being happy and enjoying everyday

2. Be the best Patrick I can be

3. No more sporadic smokes!

4. Study

5. Minimize/don't procrastinate

6. Staying fit and healthy by and past spring break

7. Save money

Fin..for now

New Years...

Turned out to be a total bust. I was cold, sleepy, tired and hungry. It was not very enjoyable and honestly I didn't like it. Spent it at temple; not fun at all. Next year, definitely spending at party and with company I enjoy.