Honestly....

I've been hating this break ever since it started. Why? It's because I've been home alone bored for almost everyday of winter break. I rarely to almost never get a call/text/message saying, "Hey Pat are free to do something right now?" or "Hey let's hangout tonight!" I usually have to do the asking to see what people are up to.

My daily routine for the break has been getting up, shower, eat breakfast and sit at my laptop (which I hope that I can stir up a conversation and hopefully expect to do something for the day or night with someone, which usually never happens). I watch old shows on Hulu for a few hours because theres nothing to watch on television (I only have broadcast; satellite was canceled). During this whole time, I'm home alone for about 6-7 hours until my parents come home, which makes me feel even lonelier. I've tried combating this by going to the mall, Target, etc but it doesn't really work. Doing things alone in general doesn't really help me out...it just makes things worse, cause I see other people together and I just hate seeing that. I've asked people if they want to hangout or something but it seems that they already had things planned or just busy. At night its just even worse, cause I've been couped up at home all day with nothing to do. Sometimes I'll resort to just driving around by myself until I find myself at the Hilltop Park, where I just sit there overall looking the greater Long Beach and Los Angeles area. Day after day, its the same reason. Work, had plans already, out of state, etc. And the usual friends that I hanged out with in high school...I've started to realize that I'm probably not as compatible with them as I thought I was. They're, on some level, still the same people from high school (probably not understanding what I mean). When I'm with them, it's whatever; we can never agree on something to do and that usually just kills everything, cause just one person doesn't want to go along or they're all buzz kills.

This has got be the worse winter break or any break in general to date. For one, I haven't done jack shit at all, even trying to coax people into doing something. Two, all of the unfortunate shit that's been happening to me. Its been going from bad to worse, but not the worst yet (which I'm anticipating that it will). Out of this whole break, I've been out of the house 5-6 times, half of which wasn't considered good. Seriously. 3 fuckings weeks of break and free time, and I've only been out of the house 5-6 times. I wanted to hang out and catch up with old friends, but no. I'm just stuck being alone at home this whole fucking break. This is primarily why I want to go back to school already so that I'd at least have school work to do and people would be more available to do things. But I just remember, I'm going to be pretty fucking lonely the first week of winter quarter. One of my roommates isn't coming back for school and my other roommate isn't going to be arriving until Thursday. God. I FUCKING HATE BEING ALONE. I really do. It just conjures up that I don't really matter anyways. I don't remember the last time people saying "Hey Pat, whats up? How are you?" And when they do, its cause because they know I'm feeling like shit. And it seams that I'm "fine" it stops. I just get the feeling that no really cares for me which contributes to me hating being alone and my holiday post.

To some up, my biggest fear is being alone. To some extent, its already true.