The Holidays.....

I honestly dread the holiday season. Everyone asks "Why? You should be celebrating with your family!" Well I see complications with that statement. For one, my family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas what so ever. Theres no turkey or ham for dinner. No one gets dressed up. Hell, my mom and "dad" are the only ones from their families in the U.S., so no great family gatherings. Theres no traditional Christmas tree in the living room; fuck theres not even a gift exchange. Secondly, my parents always work on the holidays and sometimes my sister doesn't come back home for the holidays...which leaves me waking up to an empty household (which was the case of this year's and last year's Thanksgiving and Christmas). I could pretend that its just another meaningless day...but it isn't. I hate how lonely I get during the holidays...especially with what's happened with me so far. Feelings of loneliness and mopey-ness start to consume me.

When I wake up this is my "daily routine" so to speak. The first thought comes to mind is that, "I'm alone." The only thing I hear throughout the house is the beeping noise coming from the answering machine. I get up, take a shower (which I walk around just stand there for 15 minutes),and then I walk around the house. Not a single person at home. I'm not sure why I keep walking around when I know no one else is home. There are no smells of traditional meals like turkey, ham, mashed potatoes or any typical foods you would expect to eat that day. Just leftovers of the week on the table or in the fridge. Then I sit on the couch for the whole day, on my laptop trying to past the time. Theres nothing to watch on tv either. All my friends are busy or not online, so that further secludes me and makes me even worse. I hate being at home; it feels like a prison...but in prison at least you have a cell mate... I'm just sitting there bored at home for at least 6 hours until my parents come home...and even then we don't talk that much... I just want to go back to school now, cause at least then I'll be surround by people I know. I wouldn't feel as much...

I am envious of people that celebrate the holidays........because I know my family will never do it and I will never experience it (well at least for now anyways..).....It may sound a little ridiculous, but even if my family did do the cliche stuff......it would make me feel...not like this, whatever this crappy feeling is.

This is it for now.