Finally

Tonight was good. Hung out some old friends and ate to my stomach's content. My skin and clothing smell smoky from the Korean BBQ. It was good to get out of the house finally, not feeling so mopey and depressed. It helped me forgot about my problems for the time being. I really miss that feeling, that temporary relief for me, where I don't have to worry about a single thing. I'm back to the old me. A happy me. I've miss that me...

Honestly....

I've been hating this break ever since it started. Why? It's because I've been home alone bored for almost everyday of winter break. I rarely to almost never get a call/text/message saying, "Hey Pat are free to do something right now?" or "Hey let's hangout tonight!" I usually have to do the asking to see what people are up to.

My daily routine for the break has been getting up, shower, eat breakfast and sit at my laptop (which I hope that I can stir up a conversation and hopefully expect to do something for the day or night with someone, which usually never happens). I watch old shows on Hulu for a few hours because theres nothing to watch on television (I only have broadcast; satellite was canceled). During this whole time, I'm home alone for about 6-7 hours until my parents come home, which makes me feel even lonelier. I've tried combating this by going to the mall, Target, etc but it doesn't really work. Doing things alone in general doesn't really help me out...it just makes things worse, cause I see other people together and I just hate seeing that. I've asked people if they want to hangout or something but it seems that they already had things planned or just busy. At night its just even worse, cause I've been couped up at home all day with nothing to do. Sometimes I'll resort to just driving around by myself until I find myself at the Hilltop Park, where I just sit there overall looking the greater Long Beach and Los Angeles area. Day after day, its the same reason. Work, had plans already, out of state, etc. And the usual friends that I hanged out with in high school...I've started to realize that I'm probably not as compatible with them as I thought I was. They're, on some level, still the same people from high school (probably not understanding what I mean). When I'm with them, it's whatever; we can never agree on something to do and that usually just kills everything, cause just one person doesn't want to go along or they're all buzz kills.

This has got be the worse winter break or any break in general to date. For one, I haven't done jack shit at all, even trying to coax people into doing something. Two, all of the unfortunate shit that's been happening to me. Its been going from bad to worse, but not the worst yet (which I'm anticipating that it will). Out of this whole break, I've been out of the house 5-6 times, half of which wasn't considered good. Seriously. 3 fuckings weeks of break and free time, and I've only been out of the house 5-6 times. I wanted to hang out and catch up with old friends, but no. I'm just stuck being alone at home this whole fucking break. This is primarily why I want to go back to school already so that I'd at least have school work to do and people would be more available to do things. But I just remember, I'm going to be pretty fucking lonely the first week of winter quarter. One of my roommates isn't coming back for school and my other roommate isn't going to be arriving until Thursday. God. I FUCKING HATE BEING ALONE. I really do. It just conjures up that I don't really matter anyways. I don't remember the last time people saying "Hey Pat, whats up? How are you?" And when they do, its cause because they know I'm feeling like shit. And it seams that I'm "fine" it stops. I just get the feeling that no really cares for me which contributes to me hating being alone and my holiday post.

To some up, my biggest fear is being alone. To some extent, its already true.

Already known

You most likely know this already...but I miss you quite terribly. I honestly do....

Fin

The Holidays.....

I honestly dread the holiday season. Everyone asks "Why? You should be celebrating with your family!" Well I see complications with that statement. For one, my family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas what so ever. Theres no turkey or ham for dinner. No one gets dressed up. Hell, my mom and "dad" are the only ones from their families in the U.S., so no great family gatherings. Theres no traditional Christmas tree in the living room; fuck theres not even a gift exchange. Secondly, my parents always work on the holidays and sometimes my sister doesn't come back home for the holidays...which leaves me waking up to an empty household (which was the case of this year's and last year's Thanksgiving and Christmas). I could pretend that its just another meaningless day...but it isn't. I hate how lonely I get during the holidays...especially with what's happened with me so far. Feelings of loneliness and mopey-ness start to consume me.

When I wake up this is my "daily routine" so to speak. The first thought comes to mind is that, "I'm alone." The only thing I hear throughout the house is the beeping noise coming from the answering machine. I get up, take a shower (which I walk around just stand there for 15 minutes),and then I walk around the house. Not a single person at home. I'm not sure why I keep walking around when I know no one else is home. There are no smells of traditional meals like turkey, ham, mashed potatoes or any typical foods you would expect to eat that day. Just leftovers of the week on the table or in the fridge. Then I sit on the couch for the whole day, on my laptop trying to past the time. Theres nothing to watch on tv either. All my friends are busy or not online, so that further secludes me and makes me even worse. I hate being at home; it feels like a prison...but in prison at least you have a cell mate... I'm just sitting there bored at home for at least 6 hours until my parents come home...and even then we don't talk that much... I just want to go back to school now, cause at least then I'll be surround by people I know. I wouldn't feel as much...

I am envious of people that celebrate the holidays........because I know my family will never do it and I will never experience it (well at least for now anyways..).....It may sound a little ridiculous, but even if my family did do the cliche stuff......it would make me feel...not like this, whatever this crappy feeling is.

This is it for now.

Targets and Magnets

This is an vent.

Why I do get the feeling that I always seem to have this giant bull's eye on my back or a giant magnet where all I seem to attract is just bad shit. I mean seriously WHAT THE FUCK, why is this happening right now? Why does all of this happened to ME and NOW? I know I shouldn't be complaining and I know that life isn't fair and that this is part of being an adult now. I mean nothing good has happened to me lately. This quarter just kept getting worse and worse. I'm not sure if I've hit rock bottom yet or will it keep spiraling down? And so far this break is just getting worse as well....

All of this happening to me has brought up old feels of being a failure, or in my case a constant fuck-up, where everything I do will inevitably end in failure. I've heard this from others as well that I shouldn't be thinking like that and no one is a fuck up. But honestly it's taken a toll on me, mentally and physically. I feel as if I'm on my last straw; at any moment I'm just going to break down right now. With everything happening lately, I'm constantly thinking about it. Before I sleep, when I wake up, and throughout the day. For a fact I know I got myself into this mess. These were MY decision that all lead up to this and I knew I at the time that I should have waited for things to clear up, instead of just doing things on impulse...And I keep putting myself down on how much I've screwed up because I feel that's the only way how I'm going to remember and prevent situations likes this.

And another thing, I hate being in the middle of shit. I honestly don't want to be involved, because I'd be undermining the trust and friendship of a good friend just so my other friend can cover their ass and have a good time. I fucking hate this. I will not be a part of this.

New Beginnings

This isn't my first time blogging before. I used to have a Xanga way back then (then in middle school). I haven't really done this in a long time. I'll be primarily using this blog as a medium to express my feelings of the moment (helping me to vent out sometimes) and sort of as a daily journal.

Fin