A State of Chaos.....

It's 3:30 in the morning. I have another case of insomnia......which isn't very good for me this week because I have 2 midterms this week, both of which I don't feel very prepared for. I was hoping to get some decent recent tonight before pulling some all nighters (I estimate only get about 2 days of rest or so). I've been trying to get sleep so badly. I've stared at my ceiling for about 30 minutes with no results. Smoke 2 cigarettes (I know a horrible habit that I'm trying to break in addition I've failed at keeping one of my new years' resolution), watched a few more episodes of Entourage and just surfed the internet. Still nothing. I'm contemplating on walking to the nearest store to buy some Coke to make some drinks.....something that will hopefully help me sleep for the time being.

Went back home this weekend, mainly to celebrate the birthday day of a very good friend of mine. I'm glad they enjoyed it. Went to the Cheesecake Factory at the Anaheim Gardenwalk and then roamed around Downtown Disney, where we managed to catch the firework show. It was a very enjoyable night. Sunday was just a regular lazy Sunday. Didn't really do much besides packing and checking to see if I was bringing back all my stuff. On the ride back, I was reminded on how much I dislike coming back home. The way my "dad" acts, how he doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter. How my mom has to deal with that shit. How in some ways I'm starting to become like that asshole. In a way college has become my bittersweet paradise. One I can forget about all the crap from home yet I'm reminded of the very person I swore never to become. Its times like these where I don't know how I can live with myself. How I'm not disgusted with myself when I look at myself in the mirror. And on top of all of that, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing right now....I am honestly I'm a fucking mess. I have no motivation right now. Its times like theses where I feel that no one really cares about me and in turn I stop caring about myself because whats the point? Why should I care about myself when no one else does (besides my mom)? This in turn is probably the reason why I'm spiraling down a destructive and self abusive path: drinking myself into oblivion and smoking those death sticks. I'm going to admit that I do have a drinking problem. I use it as a way to numb the way I feel. A way to avoid the misery that is my life. I'm not sure if I've hit rock bottom yet, but I'm a pathetic fuck with no backbone or balls......

It's all relative

This quarter has gone by pretty fast. Its the end of week 7 with finals in just 3 weeks. I don't even remember doing that much this whole time.......maybe its because I've been drinking so much.....Last Friday, I pretty much made a complete ass out of myself. After the bonfire, my friends threw a small kickback that grew to a a medium sized party. Got drunk off my ass and just started doing things that we were embarrassing when I heard about it. I don't even remember doing half the shit I was doing. I don't even know why I was drinking so much though. I just remember waking up on the floor of my friend's room. Then I heard all the stories, pictures and videos from which I've won the title "Frank the tank" that night. God that was such a horrible night for me. Probably my all time low so far. I spent most of the day hung over until Heat came, which was pretty fun. Saw Far East Movement perform; freaking amazing. Saw them again as they were going to their merchandise booth. Shook their hands, got a picture, and got the Party Animal Mix CD. Then went to the common which was pretty a mini edc, where atrak was playing. Pretty fun; bounced out around 11:30ish. My had an after party which lasted till 7 apparently. Didn't have a single drop there; sober the whole time. Sunday was slightly depressing. Went to eat at Boba Cafe with a friend and some others from the party. Did nothing the rest of day until for dinner, where a bunch of us single (and possibly lonely) guys went to Islands to go eat. It was nice having a guy's night out. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably just be drinking alone in my room to the point where I would pass out probably....And most of this week has just been doing nothing except for just chilling with the boys and just doing stuff....

Easier than it looks

Why is it the easiest thing I want to say turns out to be even more complex and awkward when I start writing/typing it....maybe I'm just over analyzing things...but I just don't want to say anything misleading or awkwardly phrased....