It's up there

This could be a really shitty week for me.

Saturday: Worst eating experience at Banana Bay ever. Vivid and surreal dreams, shivering all night while being cold and hot at the same time and possible developed a cold that night as well? Periodically through the night woke up to pee and spit out phlegm (which was a dark brown-yellow lugey with traces of blood in it). I thought I was literally going to be in shock and maybe die that night. Did not get any good sleep at all.

Sunday: Still felt like crap because of Banana Bay. Neck was tender and sore as hell because I kept sleeping in weird positions due to the vivid/surreal dreams. Tried doing homework but couldn't focus because of the headaches from yesterday. Some of the other people that ate their and myself were feeling pretty out of it that day. Couldn't really focus on doing homework, so I ended up getting half credit on it. Then insomnia set it for that night.
Monday: I didn't go to sleep until 3:30-ish am. Over slept as was late to dance, where we had to perform with our partners. I just grabbed my keys and longboarded as fast as I could to campus. Luckily, they had just gotten done with taking roll. Although I felt much better than Sunday, I was still somewhat out of it.

This morning while doing my usually routine, there was blood in my stool..as well on the toilet paper. And the tank water was somewhat pink....This is a very bad sign. No more drinking for a very long time for me....not to mention that I possibly have a cold (congested nose, chest, coughing, and sore throat) or flu like symptoms? That and I have 2 midterms to study for this week. I need to start taking better care of myself.

Oh joy...

Insomnia

I haven't been able to go to sleep yet. I laid in bed for about an hour and haven't drifted off. Been up an hour so far trying to go back to sleep. Listened to soft music and drank some warm milk. Neck hurts like hell because of last night's trippy ass sleep experience, which might have to do with what I ate at Banana Bay, cause some of had experienced the same thing. Probably not going to order that or not eat there for a long time.

Surreal

I just possibly had the worse sleeping experience to date. I swear that I was going to die. Had the chills, sweats, curled into a ball. I experience that trippy ass dream from only getting about 5 hours of sleep the previous day OR my food was undercooked at Banana Bay OR possible both. Went to bed with a headache and I still have a headache. & I still need do my homework. I hope I'm not getting sick :C

On Rainy Days

Its hard to tell whats coming down my face: raindrops or tears.

I'm scared of being alone, I honestly am. Its my biggest fear. With everything that's been happening lately, the fearing is just inches away from being real. I'm trying my hardest to not think like that, but I'm reminded of it everyday.....

Constants are:

Disappointment and loneliness..........

my dysfunctional family just got even worse...

Most likely

I will end up watching the following on my laptop: Youth In Revolt, Sherlock Holmes, The Fourth Kind, and probably some others....apparently I can't find anyone to watch it with..at least within a feasible radius.

Fast forward

Wow the last couple of days were just coming at me pretty fast. Thursday- I don't really remember much. Just remember that Hohyung made some pad see ew that was pretty good and we had alot to drink after, to the point were I got drunk. Friday- Didn't really do much, hanged out with Akhil and Emily! Got dinner and chilled at Akhil's place for a while. It was nice hanging out with them. Saturday- Hiked up to the C with Akhil, Emily and her friend and friend's friends. Extremely chill and fun. Got back when the sun was setting. Chowed down on some burgers, chilled at the pool and jacuzzi. After that, we played some drinking games at their place. Met some cool people. Awesome time besides the part where I just got emotional. Sunday- I knocked out at their place and slept there for the night. Went to Coco's for brunch and just watched tv all day with them.

This weekend was pretty fun....as fun as when I went out to get Kbbq with my old friends. I miss that being that fun and happy

Shots...

haven't filled this emptiness inside of me. My face, my jaw, my teeth, and my limbs go numb yet the pain is still there...If anything, it just brings up the emptiness even more. I don't even like drinking that much. I just do it, because it beats doing nothing most of the time..

Most likely

I'm just blind and deaf to this situation. Not noticing the signs that you give off. I guess its fine for you, but I'm just stuck in the past.....a fool just stuck in the past..

Hmmm

Coke and crown royal is good. Its addicting.....

One drink, two drink...

With all these drinks, I feel numb....yet I still feel depressed in some way

An old poem

Found this journal I had in high school where I would write down how I was feeling. I think I'm back to feeling the same now...

Falling from the sky

not realizing what's happening

hitting the pavement so hard

every one in body is shattered

I open my eyes

and I find to my surprise

that I'm still alive,

and I can move again

As I look around me

people continue on

minding their own business

paying no attention, whatsoever

And then I walk around

and only to realize

that I'm just a ghost

to this world

I walk into a room

with all my friends

but no one bothers to look

So I quietly take my leave

I find myself on the street

where my memories were

only to realize, that my best days

are behind me now.

Is it best for me me to

leave the world I used love

or to continue to live with

misery, pain, regret and loneliness?

Home I Guess

Back at my apartment now. It's quite and lonely. No else is here but me. I dislike this. I feel even lonelier.

Bittersweet

Going back to Riverside later today in the afternoon. To be honest, I'm glad school's starting again. Seeing friends, getting away from home and not being alone & bored (most of the time).

This week is going to be lonely. One of my roommates isn't coming back to school this year. My other roommate isn't coming until Thursday. So that means 3 more days of loneliness; oh its just like winter break again....

Not exactly sure if I'm prepared for school again. Mentally that is. I fear that I'm going to burnout too quickly and possibly have another meltdown.....all among other things.

Often

I find myself asking "What the hell am I doing" quite frequently now. Right now for example, I'm extremely tired and sleepy yet I'm still awake, typing away on my blog. Just finished the same Le Mans documentary for the 100th time probably. Now I'm listening to Daft Punk. I could be sleeping right now yet I'm not. So what am I doing? I have no idea; just waiting. Waiting for an something improbable to happen....

Going back to the "What the hell am I doing?" I find myself questioning everything about myself. Who am I?...Who am I?

Honestly, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing right now.....

New Years Resolution

I've been thinking about the things on the list for quite some time during this break.

1. Being happy and enjoying everyday

2. Be the best Patrick I can be

3. No more sporadic smokes!

4. Study

5. Minimize/don't procrastinate

6. Staying fit and healthy by and past spring break

7. Save money

Fin..for now

New Years...

Turned out to be a total bust. I was cold, sleepy, tired and hungry. It was not very enjoyable and honestly I didn't like it. Spent it at temple; not fun at all. Next year, definitely spending at party and with company I enjoy.